twentyfour hours.
changes were made... so quickly and abrupt.
i wasnt sure how we felt exactly...
overwhelmed by too many feelings... yet we were optimistic,
hanging on the slightest hope that it may not be a permanent change.
it felt really different rowing with another person suddenly,
not because she was lousy (in reality i was NOT good enough for her, like TOTALLY. to row with her was a privillage),
but cos' i really miss the way we feel each other's presence and row as one.
the stark contrast in feel shocked me.
ahhhhh i dont know how to put it in words but the feeling when we were rowing tgt was just special... the kind which i know nobody can replace either of us.

we had numerous time trials today; four sprint sets in the morning and three in the evening.
k2 250m k2 500m k2 250m k2 500m t1 1000m k1 1000m k2 1000m
each sprint made me feel more lousy and useless...
... more fearful of what is to come later.
the last time i remember feeling so so so nervous and stressed was nationals women's kayaking.
but today the pressure seemed to increase loads more than my previous exp... we had to fight to prove our faith, our beliefs and our partnership.
we had only one shot,
the last race set of the day.

we knew this was critical.
desperation set in shortly after 250m.
we wanted it real bad.
but the other boats were pulling apart way too quickly from us.
each power ten called sucked up that last ounce of strength in us.
how many last ounces we had... i didnt know.. but it took a great deal to force ourselves to keep givin more each time.
the process was painful, but reaching the destination was worse.
i knew we really did our best... but somewhat the ache in my heart did not ease one bit.
the bitter reality check.
our all wasnt good enough...
we were NO where near any of them.
perhaps we should have seen this coming, but deep down, we wanted so bad to labour under the delusion that success was at hand.
no, it wasnt a delusion. it was OUR belief, our faith that we can achieve anythin as long we had the heart and the guts; dream big and conquer with hard work.

yes, reality bites. but still, the change was neccessary, for the greater good of the team.
he's right, always spot-on on many matters (most of the time). his advice really counts.
i know this sounds dumb, but i actually had the impulse to tell him that please put his faith in us for the last time. gahhhhsss the blunt truth is we are simply not up to it. it would have been a leap of faith should he allow us to pursue our dreams further.
you probably be thinking that i shouldnt dwell on this as though its the end of the world,
especially so when most of the seniors are going through much rough-er patches now.
true enough, i shouldnt... but this is me.
i think LOADS... about the past, now and also the future.
in fact, even little things people do can have such great impact on me that i'll start thinking back of the things which other people did) and sometimes the future, so i can see/imagine what i want to do and what i want people to do.
ok, so im weird... but thats not the point, really.

move on, thats what everybody been tellin me since the time i could remember stuff and talk gibberish.
yeah i will... and no i will not wipe all those memories off and make a clean break with it in order to get on with life.
the memory of us doing our 150m sprints still lingers fresh in my mind though.
even the times when i watched your back and tried to imitate as closely as possible your strokes(blade angle etc) and cycle, reminded myself to be a mirror image of you, shouted ten power, encouraged each other remain at the back of my head. we were very alike in some ways. we used our arms way too much, hunched our backs most of the time, never quite twist when we were rowing, thinking we did when in fact we were turning our shoulders, had the tendancy to bend our right wrists when we punched etc. i have never thought it'll hurt that bad.... erms... maybe i should really stop this before i start weeping again.
anyways, i'll bring our faith with me wherever i go(:(:
and pull hard for you, sj, the team and everyone who believe in us.

faith is a very strong word in my dictionary.
it represents the concrete trust people had in each other and the strength to believe again.
faith was lost and found again many times in my sixteen plus years.
and yesterday night, when i was going home, the thought of np and rod just crossed my mind so randomly.
people tried but failed... then they tried again and failed again... and this cycle continued for a very long time.
they fell so many times in their pursuit for the slightest approval.
few succeeded and many suffered all sorts of shit and crap.
then one day, they became weary and stopped trying anymore.
people started losing faith in one another and some relationships were strained beyond salavge.
some said they didnt care but all was said behind a facade,
while others just couldnt give a damn after all.
but the words hurt so much that people couldnt tell apart black and white anymore.
thank god the storm cleared and they finally could see who the angels are... or did they not?